THE UN-PRETTY PATTERNS
By Kev Attwood
I have suffered from Depression I believe since I took a quite savage blow to the top of head about 1968/9 when I was about eighteen months odd old, I am 100% convinced this OPENED some REALLY dodgy doors in my mind and brain, as blows to the head can, my memory for names is VERY bad and you memory is on the top part of your brain. I had my VERY worse episode in 1992 and had a break down I was dosed up to the nines on medication, I believe has ruined parts of me, I got off that medication about 1995 – 96 and it is still a effect on me. You ALL will suffer from some sort of mental health problem at sometime IN YOUR LIFE, if you have taken drugs then your a higher risk though and I also mean smoking Skunk & other VERY strong Weed, your technically insane if you’ve done L.S.D. More then four or five times.
I DON’T have many regrets FULL STOP [VERY BAD THINGS TO HAVE] I DON’T regret taking ANY drug, may be the amount of a drug/s yes, I also take FULL responsibility for the drugs I took and the AMOUNT I am NOT actually shore if curtain drugs I am though and believe HELPED, but I did TO MUCH L.S.D. And other hallucinogens as well as E’s and other party drugs as well as hard drugs too. I have ALWAYS loved my sedatives, DF’s, Mogodons, Tamzy’s, Heroin and other Heroin based drugs [NOT METHODONE] I took them to shut this brain of mine UP I knew VERY well they would kill me or send me MAD, I put my hands up with that in ALL drugs and booze. Booze now there’s a NASTY thing, it is quite ironic that Booze is NOW the BIGGEST drug killer on the PLANET and it is LEGAL, about 21 – 25,000 people die a year [SELF USE] this DOESN’T include drink drivers and twats whom fight and DOESN’T include domestic violence which Booze is a MAJOR part of, your find MOST of the police call outs on a Sunday are in this area.
I had ANOTHER bad spell in the late 1990’s and funny enough I was caining the CRAP out of it lots, NOT eating right, drinking to much and living a COMPLETE life of kayos and around 2000 I met someone whom REALLY understood me and gave me MANY pattens to look out for and began to learn to know how and WHAT brings it on, it wasn’t till I REALLY put it ALL into action about 2005, 36 odd years I began to understand it. One of the MAJOR thing I learnt was NOT to fear it I WASN’T gonna be cure of it and it would be APART of me I wasn’t TOTALLY to blame for it, as I said about the whole life of kayos, drugs, booze and so on DIDN’T help. I embraced this bastard illness that had STOLEN from SO MUCH, I gave it a RIGHT kicking and made it understand ME, another part of getting my self out of this was that I had NO real control over it, it came and when it came it was down to ME to deal with.
I know people whom their SO-CALLED identity is rapped RIGHT up in it and for some REALLY crazy idea they think it is clever and quite fashionable as they swan around in their SO-CALLED misery, if that is the case then bloody section them, I HATE it with a HUGE passion, what it does to me, it has STOLEN so much LIFE out of me and crippled me SO MUCH I lost the 1990’s because of drugs, booze and depression two out of three were my OWN fault but what instigated the two [DRUGS & BOOZE] was the DEPRESSION, when I was REALLY sick I was convinced that all in had in my body was this piece of string with my heart on it, I wondered around EMPTY I have REALLY had to look for a purpose in just WAKING UP, art college & art it self has been a GREAT healer and so has TIME & my Joshy my dog
I had to let go of SO MUCH shit in my life and I mean that, I had to put away MANY things, one night I had a dream I was going to LOADS of parties, gigs, drug dens & so on, ALL the time I had this child holding my hand, through all these screwed up shit places too, after a while I turned to him and asked who is was? And his reply SHOCKED me,” I am YOU, I am the child Kev.” I looked and asked him again of how long had I had him there? Once again a reply that made me sit down,” All your LIFE.” It then dawned on me that I had NEVER dealt with Child Kev where ever I went to deal with the pain & madness he was RIGHT THERE next to me, I then got up [IN THE DREAM] and put Child Kev to bed, I made shore he was SAVE & OK, there was NO monsters or bad realms, this dream and the actions in the dream HELPED me SO MUCH and I gave up drugs and mad life style. My advise to ANY whom get Depression is find an MAJOR out – let, this is what my poetry, art and writing on here is ALL about